On Manhood, Part Two
I was only 16 years old when I started my freshman quarter in college - I had skipped second grade as a child - turning 17 only a month into my first quarter. While my roommates and dorm buddies had been driving for at least 2 years, I had barely been legally driving for a year. Being a November birthday didn’t help either - I was that much younger than all my friends.
So in addition to being the youngest by a year and a half in most instances, I still had to adjust to living away from home for the first time, with 5 other guys in a 3 bedroom suite, with 2 bathrooms, and a living room (no kitchen, since we had to head to the dining commons for all our meals). And this being the 80’s, the pre-cellphone/internet/text message/email era (the “Dark Ages”, I’m certain to all current college students), we were responsible for setting up our own telephone lines (Note: our dorm, while operated by the university, was actually situated off-campus and was not plugged into the central university phone system at the time).
Already acting with a sense of responsibility, I volunteered to take the lead to have the phone installed. Calling from a pay phone two blocks away, I phoned Pacific Bell. A couple of days later a technician came in to turn on the phone, and immediately the phones were used nearly constantly - in particular, by two roommates with girlfriends located a couple of area codes away.
It should not have been a surprise to us when the first bill totaled over $300…$200 for one individual alone. And we considered ourselves lucky, since the girls next door tallied a $900 bill since 4 of them had boyfriends more than a few area codes away.
We did not act responsibly with the phone, not understanding the cost associated with the use of the phone lines, learning a very expensive lesson on responsibility and control. The phone was merely one of many items in our young college lives that taught us to take responsibility for our lives. Talking on the phone for hours at a time, whether during the day with the most expensive per minute rates, or in the evening, was not a good decision - it cost real dollars, and it prevented us from spending time socializing with friends…or dare I say…to even study.
We also had to learn to make other choices - choices related to classes, studying, social organizations - and choices related to when we expected to graduate based on our successes in class and course of study. I saw one too many friends or acquaintances who were unable to make the right choices, faltering in school, eventually failing to graduate.
That could have happened to me as a freshman, since I was a mechanical engineering major who failed calculus my first quarter. But I took responsibility for my failure, retaking the class to get a passing grade (a “C”), and then making a difficult decision to change majors that ultimately led me to my career in finance/accounting in the architecture/engineering/construction industry.
What was it in me that led me to take control of my life even then? Yes my living arrangements between the ages of 16 and 21 were that of the stereotypical college male, yet I managed to pass my courses and get a job in the middle of the early 90s recession.
Donald Miller writes in To Own A Dragon:
The thing about being irresponsible is it’s only cute till you are about twenty-two or so, then it becomes a liability. One day you wake up under a pizza box, the television blaring in your bedroom, the laundry piled up over what might be a bedside table, and you ask yourself, How did my life get like this? Why don’t people like me? Didn’t I have a cat and what is that smell?
I lived that life during that time, but not long after I turned 21, I got engaged, and barely 15 months later was married (and still am married to the same woman).
Looking back, I do think about what it was in me that gave me that drive to be a responsible man, particularly at that age. Certainly I would not be honest if I didn’t admit to some fear of failure in the eyes of my parents - that was a factor, subconscious or otherwise. Jesus was barely a distant thought in my life, an acquaintance I merely visited on His birthday and the day of His resurrection. “Happy birthday, J-dawg. Thanks for the Eddie Bauer jacket. You’re not dead now? Cool.”
Yet even though I didn’t see Him in my life, He was never that far away. Because I had Him in my life growing up, He didn’t go away. He just watched me from afar and suggested corrections along the way to make sure I was on the path He wanted me to take. He helped me make some pretty good decisions. And when I made some bad ones, He was still there.
Miller writes…
…that everybody loses ground sometimes and it doesn’t mean anything. It’s the way life works. This is hard to understand in the moment. You get to thinking about the girl who rejected you, the job you got fired from, the test you failed, and you lose sight of the big picture - the fact that life has a beautiful way of remaking itself every few weeks. The things that matter right now aren’t going to matter a month from now, a year from now.
Learning this wasn’t easy for me, and I’ll admit that it isn’t easy even now - but it is easier than it used to be. To do what God calls us to do requires us to take responsibility for our lives and to make good decisions…decisions that are aligned with His plan for us. Miller offers some very practical advice:
I think that if you read Proverbs, or the Bible in general, your percentage chance of success goes through the roof. Two thousand years of tested wisdom can’t steer you wrong. If you really want to learn to make better decisions, the book of Proverbs is a good place to start.
6 Responses to “On Manhood, Part Two”
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By peter burch, September 4, 2007 @ 1:43 pm
I also skipped 2nd grade and graduated young. I also had a way less than inspiring relationship with my parents who both divorced twice. And yet, somehow, when I joined the United States Air Force as a self-absorbed secularist, I took responsibility for my life. Was promoted to staff sergeant rapidly and finished a bachelor’s degree in 6 years of part-time schooling. How did this happen? God’s grace–of course; and yet, as you’ve been implying in your recent posts, there is something crucial about taking personal responsibility. To tie this to Scripture, I would cite Romans 2:
12All who sin apart from the law will also perish apart from the law, and all who sin under the law will be judged by the law. 13For it is not those who hear the law who are righteous in God’s sight, but it is those who obey the law who will be declared righteous. 14(Indeed, when Gentiles, who do not have the law, do by nature things required by the law, they are a law for themselves, even though they do not have the law, 15since they show that the requirements of the law are written on their hearts, their consciences also bearing witness, and their thoughts now accusing, now even defending them.) 16This will take place on the day when God will judge men’s secrets through Jesus Christ, as my gospel declares.
By Andy, September 4, 2007 @ 10:49 pm
Thanks for the Scripture reference Peter…definitely relevant.
By Roseuvsharon, September 5, 2007 @ 7:12 am
As my eleven year old son grows and changes, I’m always watching for information that may help him. One of the books I was most blessed by is Boyhood and Beyond by Robert Schultz. Not only did it allow me to help my son get an idea of what it means to be a godly man (10 was not too early to introduce these topics, but Michael does want to read the book again when he turns 14 or so), but it also helped me to understand my husband better and his deep desires to be a godly man in service to the Lord.
Thanks for doing what the Bible says, mentoring the younger men and sharing your story so as to help them.
God bless!
By Andy, September 5, 2007 @ 8:08 pm
Thanks Rose. Believe me, I’m cognizant of being a good role model for my son! It’s not easy…
By John, September 6, 2007 @ 10:45 am
“You’re not dead now? Cool.”
Hahaha, hilarious! I’m just picturing awkward small talk with Jesus when you wrote this, lol.
By Andy, September 6, 2007 @ 9:57 pm
John - thanks for an intriguing concept for a future blog topic…”Awkward Small Talk with Jesus.”